Sunday, February 10, 2013

There are No Hobbits in this World

Exceedingly optional replacements for the small, nimble, elusive and pipeweed-toking wee folk.
All entries below assumed to be 3 1/2 feet tall or less.

1. Living totem: animated by shaman for mission fulfilled ages ago, free will granted, now seek thrills, can combine into towering uber-creature with fellow living totems at need
2. Australopithecus: limited intellectually but extremely quick/agile, tireless, shaky morale due to stronger than human instinct for self-preservation, attack bonus with specially crafted throwing-bones
3. Half-fairy: occur when human and fairy or pixie somehow get it on, vestigial wings allow for enhanced jumps, proof against falling, inherent magical abilities (light, charm, spells of bamboozlement) increase with experience
4. Pumpkinhead Jacks: when Oliver Twist-like street urchins fall in the line of duty they sometimes return as child-size quasi-dead beings with jack-o-lantern heads and huge chips on their shoulders
5. The Devil's grandchildren: flaming skulls for heads but otherwise halfling-like wee demons unleashed for a long-forgotten purpose, now roam the earth looking for trouble
6. Anthropomorphic wolverine (cigar chomping optional)
7. Enlightened giant rats w/eerily human-like hands (Brown Jenkin style)
8. Semi-anthropomorphic bats, incapable of flight due to wings re-evolved into usable hands, but may glide like flying squirrel with connecting skin flaps, all ears and nose, excellent with missile weapons due to echolocation
9. Pocket mummies: mysterious undead remnants of a time-lost race of hobbit-ish creatures, now hoard magics to someday revive glorious Shires of antiquity
10. Bug-heads: diminutive chaos beings under an ancient curse, halfling-shaped but with random insect heads (d6: 1 praying mantis, 2 dragonfly nymph, 3 warrior termite, 4 stag beetle, 5 horsefly, 6 moth), reproduce at alarming rate, always slipping off to lay clutch of new eggs
11. Ever-so-slightly anthropomorphic giant pill bugs: simulate bipedal locomotion with two pairs of rear legs, excellent natural armor, prefer dignified fighting w/rapier & stiletto, can roll like the dickens
12. Marmoset men: surprisingly vicious in unarmed combat, strong magical aptitude, like fancy hats and scarves

Requested by Dungeon Smash


  1. Holy katz, I love love love the Pumpkinhead Jacks.

  2. I once had a world with no Gnomes. Instead there were Dwarflings, half dwarf, half halfling. Not really all that related to this, but I wanted to randomly throw that out there.